SENATE CLOAK AND DAGGER ROOM

Administration officials are expressing concern about the recent erosion of congressional decorum among Republicans congregating in the Senate cloakroom. The long grueling hours of the impeachment trial seem to be taking their emotional toll on the typically conservative Conservatives.

"These guys are giddy, punch-drunk, delirious" said Hella Cheminitz, a congressional page, "they're behaving as if it's a frat party." Lacking sleep, caffeine and regular meals the senators are openly resentful of the President for having them endure such an annoying ordeal. "Tillerson was spot on," said one southern senator whose seat is far from assured in the next election, "the guy is a fu*king moron!"

Numerous copies of Philip Rucker and Carol Leonig's new book A Very Stable Genius were seen laying around the room. Senators were reportedly reading lengthy passages from the book out loud and laughing uproariously at many of the more grueling episodes . Some speculated as to which Hollywood actors would play important roles in the all but inevitable film version. When it was suggested that Steve Buscemi would make a perfect Mitch McConnell, most of the legislators shrugged with indifference.

TRUMP CONFIDANTE PREDICTS IMPEACHMENT OUTCOME

To most on Capital Hill, the opening of the impeachment trial was a solemn and momentous occasion. To former real estate developer and commercial landlord Donald J Trump, being on trial merely signified the inevitable cost of doing business.

This is how party planner and long-time friend of the president, Heloise Minataur, characterized the historic events of Thursday, January 16th, 2020. "For Donnie it's always baked in," Minataur said, "he plays the legal system like it's a casino and he always considers himself 'the house'." Adding further, "This may seem like big news to those hillbillies in congress but for Trump, well, he can do this with his eyes closed."

Heloise Minataur

Minataur, who has known the president for over thirty years, claims to have a unique perspective on the president's personality. Herself a native New Yorker she seems to share Trump's view that "the fly-over States are filled with illiterate and gullible working stiffs looking for a messiah." "Ever since The Apprentice" saved his ass he has held the American public in contempt," Ms Minataur explained, "he couldn't believe that show lasted more than one season."

The president's infamous quip that he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue without repercussions seems to be his prevailing ethos. Minataur summed things up this way: "Look at all those groveling congressmen and senators covering up for him, I'm a life-long Republican and even I'm embarrassed."  

WH IMPEACHMENT GAME PLAN REVEALED

Members of the President's inner circle have been involved in a lively debate as to how to approach the coming impeachment trial. According to sources in the Oval Office, the most unlikely strategy is the one gaining most currency. Despite the advice of those closest to Trump, the president himself favors the disruptive rather than the more conventional methods. "Keep them on their heels and they'll never know what to (expletive) expect," the president reportedly said at the close of a recent meeting with his counsel.

In a dramatic departure from what is now seen as Trumpian protocol, the president is toying with the idea of telling the truth. Alarmed by the prospect of such radical disclosure, individuals close to the president are advising caution. "If it ain't broke why go under the hood," is how one of POTUS's lawyers put it.

The president appears unconcerned by the possible fallout from ethical transparency. Admitting guilt and allowing incriminating testimony by the likes of former White House counsel Don McGahn and former national security advisor John Bolton is seen by many as potentially catastrophic. The President however believes that Senate Republicans would not be prepared for the political risks implicit in his conviction.

News executives at Fox News have already assured Mr. Trump that they will not offer live coverage of the trial.

Anticipating a full exoneration followed by the redemption of re-election, President Trump has begun considering the location of his future Presidential Library. The top candidates are Atlantic City, Palm Beach, Queens and Moscow. Trump has already committed to donating his complete archive of non-disclosure agreements to any future institution.

BOLTON TESTIMONY IS SEEN AS A BOLD WHITE HOUSE WAGER

Sources close to the President see the testimony of former national security advisor John Bolton as an interesting and unconventional gambit. "If he testifies at the impeachment hearings, it could really go either way," said a Trump confidante who preferred to remain anonymous because she was not authorized to speak on behalf of the administration, "If he tells the truth, our goose is cooked, but if he spins like a dervish, which he might to protect his own hide, re-election is all but guaranteed."

Senate Republicans are reluctant to issue a subpoena arguing in the words of the majority leader that "the facts would destroy our case." Citing former heavyweight boxing champion of the world Muhammad Ali, he suggested that the rope-a-dope strategy is "our best option."

Meanwhile, Bolton has offered no clues as to how he will approach the prospect of sharing his narrative surrounding the July 25th phone call with Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky. However, several independent producers are paying close attention and are working on pitching both fictional and documentary projects to the former official.

"I think Tom Hanks would be perfect," Bolton confided to friends, "but I could live with a slimmed down John Goodman as well."

Chris Cooper could not be reached for comment.

TRUMP TURNS NEW LEAF IN 2020

In an unusual and perhaps unprecedented exercise in relative candor, the White House released President Trump's 2020 New Year's resolutions.

Poolside at the Mar-a-Lago resort, spokesperson Tarik Anitipesh greeted the D.C. press corp with unanticipated warmth. With eyes somewhat bloodshot and speaking with what to many observers seemed like a slur, Anitepesh revealed the President's three personal promises.

1.  To treat everyone with respect.

2. To speak truthfully and with dignity

3. To lose 50 pounds

Senior Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway could not be reached for comment.

CITING SCRIPTURE EVANGELICALS ARE BEGINNING TO QUESTION THEIR FAITH IN TRUMP

It all began with a tweet.

On August 22nd, 2018 Reverend Hillman Thoreau of the First Saints Church of Gainsborough, West Virginia was introduced by one of his parishioners to the twitter feed of Donald Trump. Up until then, the Reverend was not much of a social media participant. He was vaguely aware that an online community of comments and counter-comments had become a part of the national political discourse but was never, until then, inclined toward examining any of the prominent platforms in depth.

The tweet in question was about Donald Trump's former fixer and personal lawyer Michael Cohen. It was a disparaging tweet, one that puzzled the conservative Republican pastor. Why, he wondered, would the president disparage his attorney so publicly? Here was someone who had sacrificed his integrity in order to protect the president. Here was someone about to go to jail for the crime of paying hush money to an actress in the pornography industry in order to purchase her discretion.

As he connected the dots, it soon became apparent that Thoreau's Christian beliefs were in stark conflict with the flagrant sexual transgressions of President Trump. In the spirit of Jesus, Reverend Hillman was prepared to forgive Trump for his boastful predilection for grabbing the "pussies" of attractive women. But when he betrayed Mr. Cohen, it finally became clear that Donald J. Trump was not exactly a 'man of God.'

 Reverend Thoreau has subsequently become rather adept in the mechanics of online political organization. Together with a network of like minded clergymen he has founded a faith-based advocacy group called Evangelicals for Justice. They have courageously put themselves on the front lines of the impeachment process. The group claims over 200,000 active members from across the country and interest in their movement is growing.

"We thought our parishioners would chafe at the idea of abandoning the President," Thoreau said, "but instead it seems as if a huge burden has finally been lifted from their conscience." 

PROMINENT REPUBLICANS COMING FORWARD

"High-minded Republicans have always been very vocal throughout this administration. We're now at the stage where "the sinking ship is rattling with the clamor of scattering vermin in search of a conscience." This colorful metaphor came from none other than Tea Party veteran Mackenzie Vinterbottom. The stunning reversal of previously staunch supporters of the President has left White House officials at a pivotal crossroad. Many have privately voiced their plans for resignation. Those closest to the President have hired attorneys and some have sought out public relations firms specializing in reputation rehabilitation. "This is the ultimate inflection point," said Republican fund raiser Tennie Scotts.

Former FBI and CIA chief William Webster

With George T. Conway III, Steve Schmidt, John Weaver, Rick Wilson and William Webster leading the way, many Republican senators are, for the first time, reconsidering their fidelity to President Trump. Vinterbottom wryly noted that "when you see the Secretary of State lawyering up you know there's a huge storm ahead."