TRUMP CONFIDANTE PREDICTS IMPEACHMENT OUTCOME

To most on Capital Hill, the opening of the impeachment trial was a solemn and momentous occasion. To former real estate developer and commercial landlord Donald J Trump, being on trial merely signified the inevitable cost of doing business.

This is how party planner and long-time friend of the president, Heloise Minataur, characterized the historic events of Thursday, January 16th, 2020. "For Donnie it's always baked in," Minataur said, "he plays the legal system like it's a casino and he always considers himself 'the house'." Adding further, "This may seem like big news to those hillbillies in congress but for Trump, well, he can do this with his eyes closed."

Heloise Minataur

Minataur, who has known the president for over thirty years, claims to have a unique perspective on the president's personality. Herself a native New Yorker she seems to share Trump's view that "the fly-over States are filled with illiterate and gullible working stiffs looking for a messiah." "Ever since The Apprentice" saved his ass he has held the American public in contempt," Ms Minataur explained, "he couldn't believe that show lasted more than one season."

The president's infamous quip that he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue without repercussions seems to be his prevailing ethos. Minataur summed things up this way: "Look at all those groveling congressmen and senators covering up for him, I'm a life-long Republican and even I'm embarrassed."