BOLTON'S BOOK GETS BAD REVIEWS

White House officials have indicated that they are prepared to withhold the manuscript of John Bolton's explosive memoir indefinitely. Citing "national security concerns," the President insisted that this was not a matter of censorship, suppression of free speech, witness tampering or abuse of power. "I'm the President," he said, "and Bolton is just a disgruntled former employee with a grudge."

Several Oval Office sources have leaked portions of the book to the NewYork Times, a publication  particularly offensive to Mr. Trump. "Everyone is lying except for me," the president stated as he left DC for a short trip to Mar-a-Lago, "Bolton is a liar, Schiff is a liar, Chris Wallace is a liar, General John Kelly is a liar, Michael Cohen is a liar, Nancy Pelosi is a liar, Gordon Sondland is a liar, Fiona what's-her-name is a liar, George Kent is a liar, Lamar Alexander is a liar, Susan Collins is a liar, James Mattis is a liar ... they're all liars. I am not a liar. I always speak the truth."

The preponderance of evidence implicating the president has proven to be an inconvenience for Republican lawmakers. Reports that Mitch McConnell has hired a team of executive coaches in order to assist his caucus in maintaining their slowly eroding self-esteem has not been verified.

Meanwhile, Mr. Bolton plans to release his book in samizdat form. "Trump will appreciate the irony," the former national security advisor said, "he has a great affinity for Russia."