DOGE TARGETS CONGRESSIONAL PASTOR CITING THE INEFFICACY OF PRAYER

In a move seen by some to be particularly risky, the Department of Government Efficiency has demanded five bullet points from the congressional pastor listing accomplishments from the last 15 days. While wars rage and the climate continues to wreak havoc and disaster, Elon Musk is pressing religious leaders within the government to either "step up or get the Hell out."

Military chaplains are also expected to provide evidence of their accomplishments. DEI hires seem to be particularly at risk. "Do we really need every single shaman from every sh*thole religion banging on kettles on the country's dime," was how one young DOGE accountant put it.

Although there remains bipartisan support for a religious presence within our institutions, the GOP has indicated that it is open to atheism if the Trump administration decides to change course. 

STUNNED GOP LEADERS BRACING FOR REVELATIONS

Dazed by a string of bad news, GOP leaders are preparing to revise their messaging. It was revealed yesterday that speech writers for the minority leader are working overtime in an attempt to dull the blow. After seeing one Republican after another testify, McCarthy has indicated to his staff that he is preparing to tell the truth. Lawyers on both sides of the aisle were quick to point out the limits of executive privilege, hoping to prepare an already weary public for more bad news.

GOP strategists have labored for months trying to scrub the winter of 2020 from the annals of history. They see McCarthy's gambit as a grave threat to their careful efforts. "Folks will start dropping like dominoes," one congressman close to the former president said, "the timing couldn't have been worse."

With the mid-terms approaching and with gas prices falling, Republican leaders are bracing for disappointment. "We're praying for a recession," Doug Unfirlj, vice-chair of Americans for Rectitude said recently at a prayer breakfast. "That or a Monkeypox outbreak."

Some Christians Are Reconsidering MAGA

While inciting a mob to commit acts of violence directed at a sitting vice-president may not rise to the level of a crime, many prominent Evangelical Christians are beginning to express their guarded skepticism regarding the piety of Donald Trump.

"Believing in the Virgin Birth and believing that Dominion voting machines were hacked by Cesar Chavez are both leaps of faith," Daren Hapoël, associate pastor of the First Apostolic Parish of Believers in Denver explained. "Our community has never shown any bias toward evidence." That said, Reverend Hapoël did concede that there is some movement away from the former President. "It's his language that offends our people." 

Reports that Donald Trump called Mike Pence a "pussy" seems to have caught the attention of a few prominent religious leaders. Whether this will have an impact on the former President's grip on the Republican Party remains to be seen.

FREEDOM AND SCIENCE: TWO TOPICS AT GOP FLORIDA CONFERENCE

 "We need to stall the recovery." 

That alarming phrase is one among a series of strategic bullet points discussed at a GOP funder's retreat in late February, 2021. Seeing the rollout of the COVID-19 vaccinations as a turning point in the nation's economy, a group of Republican lawmakers gathered at a remote estate in the Florida keys with six important conservative donors. A newly released recording of one consequential breakfast meeting reveals a strategy that was as diabolical as it was effective.

The recording was made by Tam C. Sheker, a freelance photographer who was hired to take head shots. Present at the conference were several prominent media personalities who offered a series of tactics to offset what they saw as "the Democratic windfall of virus immunity."

In one barely audible section of the recording one can hear a female voice saying "I hope everyone in this room is vaccinated." Later, that same voice, answering a question about the efficacy of science denial, is heard saying, "are you kidding? Don't you realize how stupid the Republican base is?"

A lengthy excerpt offers a clear overview of an overarching strategy to subvert the American effort to slow the pandemic. "Three words," one participant says, "disinformation, disinformation, disinformation." It is apparent from the recording that the strategy involved the promotion of vaccine hesitancy, anti-mask wearing and the discrediting of Dr. Fauci. 

"All we have to do is call it 'freedom' and those MAGA idiots will eat it up."

ACROSS THE U.S. VACCINE SKEPTICISM EVOLVES INTO RAGE

 

Is it possible to prosecute a news network for murder?

That's the question that's on the mind of Marjorie Tailleur-Vert of Grand Ellam, Missouri. Having received her first shot only a few days ago, Ms. Tailleur-Vert is living with grief, rage and relief. Up until last week she was absolutely certain that Covid-19 was an exaggerated news story designed by elitists in Washington and New York in order to discredit Donald Trump. She was sure that "vaccine hysteria" was an invention created to sow world-wide confusion and panic. There were dark forces behind the CDC and the Deep State.

Ms. Tailleur-Vert arrived at these certainties because she was, in her words, "doing the research."

Last week it became tragically clear that her research was flawed. After losing her husband and her sister within days of each other, Ms. Tailleur-Vert started asking questions. After speaking with her doctor and a distant cousin living in New Jersey she came to realize that a deadly pandemic was raging throughout the world. She learned that several very effective vaccines were available to counter this pandemic and that they were safe, thoroughly tested and would not result in her arm becoming magnetized.

Now she wants to know if she can sue the social media companies and the cable news networks for damages. Now she wants to know if she can seek justice.

SNOWDEN MEETS TRUMP

With Grand Juries convening, the noose may be tightening around what may be deemed a criminal enterprise. RICO, once the preferred cudgel against the Mob is now as commonplace as the SAT's. None of this is good news for Trump Inc. and the news that the former President may move to either Belarus or Bahrain is not idle, left-wing wet dreaming.

Mar-a-Lago habitué and member of the Trump inner circle Motindi Énmerdé has reportedly told NewsTune EX that serious house/estate hunting is well beyond the conceptual stage. "As far as I know, extradition treaties are conveniently vague," Énmerdé told NTEX's political correspondent Shempy Howard,  "and there are far worse fates than spending one's golden years playing golf in the desert in December."

Legal experts with intimate knowledge of the Southern District of New York's investigations note that few world leaders would be willing to go on the hook for Donald Trump. "The last thing Putin wants," Russia specialist Sussanna Shoolama wrote recently, "is to have Donald grousing in some dacha plotting the next January 6th.

BOLTON'S BOOK GETS BAD REVIEWS

White House officials have indicated that they are prepared to withhold the manuscript of John Bolton's explosive memoir indefinitely. Citing "national security concerns," the President insisted that this was not a matter of censorship, suppression of free speech, witness tampering or abuse of power. "I'm the President," he said, "and Bolton is just a disgruntled former employee with a grudge."

Several Oval Office sources have leaked portions of the book to the NewYork Times, a publication  particularly offensive to Mr. Trump. "Everyone is lying except for me," the president stated as he left DC for a short trip to Mar-a-Lago, "Bolton is a liar, Schiff is a liar, Chris Wallace is a liar, General John Kelly is a liar, Michael Cohen is a liar, Nancy Pelosi is a liar, Gordon Sondland is a liar, Fiona what's-her-name is a liar, George Kent is a liar, Lamar Alexander is a liar, Susan Collins is a liar, James Mattis is a liar ... they're all liars. I am not a liar. I always speak the truth."

The preponderance of evidence implicating the president has proven to be an inconvenience for Republican lawmakers. Reports that Mitch McConnell has hired a team of executive coaches in order to assist his caucus in maintaining their slowly eroding self-esteem has not been verified.

Meanwhile, Mr. Bolton plans to release his book in samizdat form. "Trump will appreciate the irony," the former national security advisor said, "he has a great affinity for Russia."