STUNNED GOP LEADERS BRACING FOR REVELATIONS

Dazed by a string of bad news, GOP leaders are preparing to revise their messaging. It was revealed yesterday that speech writers for the minority leader are working overtime in an attempt to dull the blow. After seeing one Republican after another testify, McCarthy has indicated to his staff that he is preparing to tell the truth. Lawyers on both sides of the aisle were quick to point out the limits of executive privilege, hoping to prepare an already weary public for more bad news.

GOP strategists have labored for months trying to scrub the winter of 2020 from the annals of history. They see McCarthy's gambit as a grave threat to their careful efforts. "Folks will start dropping like dominoes," one congressman close to the former president said, "the timing couldn't have been worse."

With the mid-terms approaching and with gas prices falling, Republican leaders are bracing for disappointment. "We're praying for a recession," Doug Unfirlj, vice-chair of Americans for Rectitude said recently at a prayer breakfast. "That or a Monkeypox outbreak."

Some Christians Are Reconsidering MAGA

While inciting a mob to commit acts of violence directed at a sitting vice-president may not rise to the level of a crime, many prominent Evangelical Christians are beginning to express their guarded skepticism regarding the piety of Donald Trump.

"Believing in the Virgin Birth and believing that Dominion voting machines were hacked by Cesar Chavez are both leaps of faith," Daren Hapoël, associate pastor of the First Apostolic Parish of Believers in Denver explained. "Our community has never shown any bias toward evidence." That said, Reverend Hapoël did concede that there is some movement away from the former President. "It's his language that offends our people." 

Reports that Donald Trump called Mike Pence a "pussy" seems to have caught the attention of a few prominent religious leaders. Whether this will have an impact on the former President's grip on the Republican Party remains to be seen.